SPACE FEUDS: A New Dope
by Danco
Summary: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... It is a period of civil war between an evil British Empire and a gang of white, clean-cut, all-American rebels. Raise the barricades and join the revolution in this fun, light-hearted space adventure story, featuring a menagerie of wacky aliens and craaazy robots! But no black people. Warning! - contains naughty words.
1. Act One

Our story begins on the desert planet of Tabooine, where a beautiful young man called George Lucas lived on a dust farm with his auntie and uncle. It was a relatively happy upbringing for young George, although his adoptive parents were not very good to him; they sometimes made him do menial farm chores and never let him go to Toshi Station to pick up some power converters (this was his favourite pastime for some reason). The only people in the whole galaxy that little George could talk to were his pet robots, the sexually ambiguous 3-CTO and the cocky little bastard R2-B2.

One day, when George was out taking his robot friends for a walk, he happened to encounter the local village idiot - a dirty old git who went by the name of Obi-Wanker Nobi, though everyone preferred to refer to him as simply 'Old Ben'. He was a deranged ex-hippie who could often be seen aimlessly wandering around the backstreets of Las Eisley in a drunken stupor, picking fag butts out of the gutter, proclaiming himself a wizard and rambling on about how he used to be a space-samurai.

Old Ben spotted our wimpy protagonist as he tried to sneak past unnoticed, calling out to him, "George! How are ya, son? I know your uncle! I also knew your dad before he turned to the dark side, I mean, uh, before he _died_... Come on lad, I'll buy you a drink! Call it an early birthday present!" He put his arm around George's narrow shoulders and led him directly into a seedy strip bar called Hutts N Sluts. C-3TO and R2-B2 had to wait outside though because this was a gay bar and robots are homophobic.

While they were chilling at the bar, an alien with the face of a baboon's butt decided to take a disliking to George for no reason. The ugly mofo wandered over to where they were standing and started throwing his weight around, so Old Ben got out his laser sword and lopped his arm off with one swipe. Nobody gave them any more shit after that.

Once they got themselves seated, Old Ben introduced George to a couple of his sketchy rebel pals: a drugs smuggler named Hans Duo and his faithful companion (and occasional lover), Suckbacca. Hans was already half-cut, telling nonsensical stories about how he just shot some guy called Greebo, and how his ship, the Centurion Buzzard, had made the Kessel run in less that eleven parsecs. It was all complete bollocks anyway - a parsec is a measure of distance, not time. But nobody dared to correct him, Hans was clearly a dangerously unhinged man.

"Come on, Georgie boy! First dance is on me!" Rasped Old Ben, beckoning over his favourite stripper - Sheila the Hutt. The events that followed blew George's tiny mind. He never knew that transgender Hutts had over ten-thousand nipples...

Following fifteen more glasses of Jawa juice (otherwise known as fermented Jawa urine), Old Ben leered over to his young protégé, moving his face uncomfortably close to George's. His rancid breath stank of booze and deathsticks. "Tell ya wot." he breathed, "We were just off to smuggle some heroin, plant some pipe bombs, and rescue that Princess Layer that got herself kidnapped by the Dark Invader the other day. Rumour has it she's a total slapper and will shag anyone who rescues her! Even a filthy old bastard like me, hopefully! Plus there will probably be a massive reward and we'll all get knighted or something. Come on kiddo, you should come with us! I'll even train you up as a space-samurai if ya want."

George's sky-blue eyes lit up like the twin suns of Tabooine as he heard the old man's offer. "You'd really do that for me?" He asked naively.

"Sure, whatever." Said Old Ben, shoving a handful of stale peanuts into his revolting mouth. "Stick with me, kid and ya won't go far wrong, haha! Besides, your aunt and uncle have just been burnt alive by Imperial Space Marines. I know this because I am at one with nature. And I can read minds too."

Before he knew what was happening, George had been boarded onto Hans' ship and found himself cruising through interstellar space at the speed of light. The young farm-boy couldn't believe how his luck had changed, and how nice his new friends were. They let him tag along with them on their fantastic space adventure on the one condition that he stashed the majority of the heroin inside his anus, and they were even kind enough to warn him that he'd be jettisoned into space without a second thought at the first sign of an Imperial starship.

"What great guys." He said to himself, rubbing his sore bottom.


	2. Act Two

Aboard the Centurion Buzzard, Hans Duo and Suckbacca were busy trafficking illicit drugs, taking pot shots at Imperial starships and posting letter-bombs to Dark Invader's home address via Imperial Mail. Meanwhile, Old Ben had been teaching George the ancient wisdom of the space-samurai.

"You see, George... We're all made of this stuff called _The Energy_! A space-samurai follows a path of peace and love, seeking to become one with The Energy through a strict regime of meditation, interpretive dance and consumption of class-A drugs!" At that, Old Ben carefully stuck a tab of LSD to the tip of his pointed tongue and promptly snatched the long appendage back into his skull like some sort of greedy amphibian.

R2-B2 made some annoying *bleep-bloop* noises.

Old Ben continued his lecture, "...But beware of the dark side! Those who follow the path of evil seek to draw power from The Energy through science, reasoning and logic! They well never rest until the space-samurai are wiped out... the bastards!"

George was utterly confused. He thought being a space-samurai was all about chivalry, swordplay and virtue, not monging out on the sofa, watching Cartoon Network with a fatty bombatty and a packet of Monster Munch.

Without warning, there was a loud bang, and the entire ship began to judder and rattle uncontrollably like a big old rickety... thing. The Centurion Buzzard had been caught in a tractor beam and was slowly being drawn towards the dreaded _Space Castle_!

"That'll teach us for trying to take pot shots at it, hey Suckie?" Laughed Hans.

Suckbacca gurgled appreciatively.

The ship was brought into the dreaded _Space Castle's_ docking bay and boarded by a crack team of space marines. They scoured the ship but couldn't find anyone within the first thirty seconds of looking so they gave up and decided to stand guard instead. Suddenly, Old Ben, George and the gang jumped out of some secret drug-smuggling compartments and beat the shit out of the unsuspecting space marines.

It is worth noting at this point that the Imperial space marines were the most incompetent soldiers in the entire galaxy. Due to budget cuts, the Empire was forced to supply them with cheap, knock-off plastic armour that offered zero protection against laser guns, and uncalibrated weapons that didn't shoot straight. As a consequence, they were dropping in action faster than they could be replaced, and unprecedented recruiting demands meant that any old nerf-herder from the arse-end of the galaxy could pass a basic medical and get enlisted into the prestigious ranks of the space marines.

Anyway, Old Ben went off to press the big red 'OFF' switch on the tractor beam control panel (which didn't require any sort of password or high-level security clearance to operate, which was lucky), while the others went looking for Princess Layer at the top of the tallest tower of the dreaded _Space Castle_. Hans, George and Suckie blasted through hundreds of space marines with relative ease until they reached the princess's bedchamber.

George barged in unannounced to find Layer seductively stretched out on her bed, smoking a deathstick. Considering she had been interrogated, tortured and repeatedly raped for the past week or so, the girl looked remarkably chilled. "Hey, shorty. Here for round two?" She remarked with a flirtatious wink.

"Hmm. This sort of thing must happen to her a lot." Reasoned George.

On their way back to the Centurion Buzzard, the Dark Invader sprang out of the shadows like a shiny black dildo in the night, ready to destroy them. However, just in the nick of time, along came Old Ben to the rescue!

"Ah, Obi-_Wanker _Nobi!" Said Dark Invader, putting unnecessary emphasis on the 'wanker' part.

The two mighty warriors duelled with their laser swords, but Old Ben got his arse handed to him on a silver Chinese platter. The old fool was in the depths of an acid trip and was hallucinating that the Dark Invader was some sort of giant, floating cat's head with children's laughter coming out of its eyes. Suffice to say that Old Ben was stabbed nine-hundred-and-seventy-four times in the jugular; a mortal wound for a space-samurai. Just before he died, he called out to his companions, who had already left him for dead and were boarding their getaway ship. "Fly, you fools!" He groaned, before collapsing to the floor in a crumpled heap. Nobody heard him. Or cared.

With an almighty blast, the Centurion Buzzard took off into outer space. The rebels had escaped! The crew had lost one of their own at the hands of the Dark Invader, but on the plus side they'd gained a sexy princess! George thought this was a fair swap. He decided he didn't want to be a space-samurai anyway and instead, was going to concentrate on getting laid from now on.


	3. Act Three

Princess Layer took the groovy gang to a secret rebel base on Gavin IV, where they downloaded the blueprints of the dreaded _Space Castle_ from R2-B2's corrupt hard drive. The devious little shit copy-and-pasted them from the dreaded _Space Castle's_ main computer, along with eight hour's worth of X-rated droid-on-droid porn.

Later that week (a Gavin IV solar week is approximately two minutes long), the leader of the rebel attack, Gandalf the Grey, was ready to make his announcement. "Ladies and gentlemen, and squid-people..." He began, starting up a basic PowerPoint presentation on the projector screen behind him, "After several hours of careful examination, rebel experts have found a fatal oversight in the layout of the dreaded _Space Castle_. There is a big red button on the side of it that says 'SELF-DESTRUCT'. I propose that we fly up to it in our fighter jets, wind down the window, lean out and press it, then fly away as fast as we can. Our fighter jets _should_ be quick enough to clear the blast zone before you are all engulfed within a gargantuan, supernova-like nuclear fireball of death and destruction. Any questions?"

One of the rebel volunteers spoke up, "You really think this cockamamie plan of yours is going to work?"

George was enraged. He stood up, got right in the guy's face and screamed at the top of his lungs, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Without further ado, the rebels set off in their Z-Wing fighters to go blow up the dreaded _Space Castle._ George was accompanied by the finest pilots in the resistance, including: Wedge Anticheese, Biggs Fartlighter and Porky Pig. His squadron fearlessly fired their way through wave after wave of enemy fighter jets... Note that the Empire had again tried to cut costs by having their smaller spaceships manufactured in Asia, hence why they were called Thai fighters. Needless to say, they were the worst spaceships in the galaxy.

When George had finally reached the big red 'SELF-DESTRUCT' button, he wound down his window, leant out and pressed it with all of his boyish might! Little did he know that the big red 'SELF-DESTRUCT' button was actually a clever decoy, which had lead George and his squadron of Z-Wings directly into the firing line of a massive laser cannon.

They were all blasted into smithereens.

\- The End -

... Only joking! George pressed the big red 'SELF DESTRUCT' button like a boss from the planet Kickass and the dreaded _Space Castle_ was blown into smithereens while George and the rebels flew off together into the sunset.

The Dark Invader survived the explosion because he was hiding in a lead-encased space-toilet.

Back on Gavin IV, Princess Layer decided to reward the rebels for their acts of supreme bravery by blowing what was left of their precious resources on a big, swanky awards ceremony. The Princess awarded each of her new friends with a special gift: for the tin man C-3TO, a heart; for the cowardly Suckbacca, some balls; and for the nerf-herder Hans Duo, a brain transplant. R2-B2 didn't get a gift because he was a twat. But the best gift of all was reserved for George Lucas, a night of hot, sticky, unknowingly incestuous lovemaking with the Princess herself! Oh how he would live to regret that gift...

\- The Real End -


End file.
